It's the fear in their eyes that frightens me

It comes up in conversation again and again with the few friends that I have told it to. And every time it comes up, they get upset with me. And every time I see the sadness and sorrow they hold for me I regret telling them. I think to myself that it should have been kept safe with me. The problem is I know that I would not have made it this long without my friends and family knowing this one thing.

What most of them do not understand is that my desire to not exist is not some passing fantasy as I fall in and out of some roller coaster of depression. No, it does not work like that, it is not some silly impression that I have one day, or one week, or one month, the desire is always present. No matter the circumstances it is there, even when I'm having the time of my life with my friends or family, people I care about and people I want to make happy, if I could take the selfish path I would. I would stop whatever I'm doing whether it's the inside joke between DJ and myself, or the heated debate I'm having with Alex, or the deep talks that shape "my little worlds"(only Kristin will get that reference) that I have with Kristin, or even reading my little brother's writing, if death were to greet me I would not run, I would not fight. I would turn, smile, and take his hand, but it is not as simple as that, were I to leave I would leave behind pain for all the people that I care about. I could not walk away and expect that I would be forgotten and all would be well as though I never existed. They would grieve and if I were to die I would not have it so; therefore I cannot do as I please. If I were to walk away from any of those situations to fulfill what I desire most then I have not lived to my purpose.

My purpose to serve those that I care about. They love and appreciate life, they look forward to the future, they want to shape the world and let it shape them. This is something I do not entirely feel or understand. I want to be there and make sure the world does not hurt them, I am still here to make sure if it does hurt them that I can help. My purpose also, as Kristin has said and many others: is to find something in the world that I love, something in the world that I could carry on in happiness. At this point in time I have not found it, writing is an escape, but so is reading and watching TV and partying with friends and even just spending time with them. The problem remains, the desire is still there, even in those moments of happiness and bliss. This actually draws a comedic parallel to the movie "Inception" where the wife thinks the only way to wake up from her dream is to kill herself, only the problem is she thinks she is still dreaming in reality. My mind--at least at this moment in time--is programmed to believe that the only way to truly be at peace is to be nothing. Though I suppose most people would not find that comedic in any way.

Here is a journal excerpt on my thought process:

A beautiful summer day. Low 90's and just fine in the shade. Class starts in half an hour, I do not particularly wish to attend. I am in a rather somber mood, I want to sleep, to slip away. It's in these moments and thoughts that I really wish to not exist. It is not the intense depression that makes me miserable and want to die. It is the lack of wanting. I want nothing. I could not say it more precisely. I want nothing. It does not mean I do not desire anything, it literally means I desire that which is nothing. To be nothing. To have nothing, to know nothing. To be nothing. I say this and I wonder to myself how common this desire is. For it is in no way similar to everything I have read on depression and suicide. It is not some sad, angry pathetic muddled reason for my life being miserable. [That would be a lie]. How can I be ungrateful for what I have? I have no reason to say my life is terrible, or awful or difficult. Overall it is not [I have close to everything I need or want]. I just do not generally enjoy it as others do. I do not cling to it with desperation as others do.

It is that notion of how others perceive life as some incredible adventure that they cannot give up on, no matter how difficult it gets. To which my mind has always said, "Why not?" There are so many people who live in terrible conditions and misery. They barely survive due to starvation and disease and lack of hygiene. These people live in conditions of which every person--I can almost certainly use an absolute in this situation--that reads this blog will never or has never known. These people continue to push on, and there are so many other people who have survived traumatic incidents, physical or mental, and people that come from broken lives who will never be the same. Somehow, almost all of these people continue to live on, they fight for their lives. They do whatever they can in order to survive, but then my question is this: is that all they are doing? Succumbing to the instinct to survive, or do they in fact actually love and appreciate the lives that they have? Maybe they all do, maybe they all want to see the next day because each day has hopes and dreams and each day is wonderful new and beautiful, but I do not operate this way. Perhaps I am broken, perhaps I have a chemical imbalance in my brain, or perhaps I'm not the fittest that needs to survive and I'm designed to perish.

Perhaps, but for now I'm here, and I'll put on my smile and pretend. I will make them laugh, and I will do whatever I can to make their lives better, and sometimes I'll be selfish and fail. Sometimes I will need to see the ocean and forget the world altogether. Sometimes I will need to find nature, and take pictures of it, and absorb it, and bask in it. Sometimes I will need to go on long walks with my music in the night. Sometimes I will need to sit out in the rain and embrace the cold. Sometimes I will need to sleep all day and come as close to not existing as I can. But most of the time, I will listen, I will heed their every word, I will make sure they know that I care, that I am always there and I always will be. I want them to know that every person that enters into my heart keeps me tied to this world, I want them to know that their happiness is far above the small moment of increase in mine. I want them to know that I love them. They know who they are, because I tell them every time I talk to them, and then there are a few who have slipped in, a few who I have not told. In time I imagine I will, for all my friends and family are precious.