Paradise Hidden in Suburbia

This will be--for the most part--another picture blog. This was supposed to be my object post but I did not find any particular object that I felt I could take with me. Instead I will feature one of my favorite things in nature: moss.

This is one of my secret little places

 These are my favorite

Moss to me, always feels like something out of a fairy tale. Its lush green, and soft touch give a close up view of how beautiful the earth can be. Although green in not my favorite color to wear, it is most definitely my favorite color to see in the world.

Blue, green, and the rusty tinted orange of the oaken fall leaves.
The weathered brown of the bark on the trees,
Gray, silver and speckled blue: Granite,
the trickle of water too.

Thick, foamy, wisps of clouds
Thickets full, with finch, and sound.
Toadstools covet the wet cool shade
Winter: green, brown, dark, and gray.

(It's a poem I think I guess I got a little off course of the regular writing)

Averting Repetition

I am growing tired of regurgitating the same negative thoughts and ideas again and again. I want to turn the tables; I want to do something different. I want to do something positive--for myself at least. I have given myself a project to do--or an experiment I suppose. I encourage everyone to try it as well just give it a shot and see if you enjoy it. Okay so what you have to do is this: Go out into nature, walk, sit, run, what have you, but when you gaze around look for something that catches your eye, a stick, a rock, a feather, anything (it does not have to be nature I just happen to love nature). Take it with you or just take a picture if it's too big to keep, but what you must do is write upon the feelings or thoughts it provokes. Bring to life the feelings or ideas that emerge, and build off how this object affected you. What made it significant, or stand out. Or instead of writing, collect other pictures that somehow connect to the object. They can be from a magazine or pictures you have taken. Make a collage with the object in the middle (or wherever you see fit). The goal is to connect to the object, and by connecting to it you hopefully connect to yourself in new ways. Maybe you can learn a thing or two about yourself, whether positive or negative. This is what I am hoping will happen for me. I want to break out of the negative dark world I usually reside in; I want to acknowledge something I know to be positive and beautiful; I want to show my love of nature. I will be posting mine in the next couple of days and will provide a picture of the object I chose.

All Things Must End

It sounds so negative. I suppose it is, but what's a post without a moderate level of my usual negativity. I suppose this title mostly correlates (in my mind) with relationships. I hear of people holding off on a relationship because they don't want to get hurt again. They don't want to have their heart broken. I have always been aware of the conclusion that everything is going to end. There is no avoiding that heartbreak.

 I had a talk with my cousin who is getting married this next weekend about it. She didn't like my line. She is just about to get married after all so why should she? But I told her to stop and think about it, well suppose that you and him never divorce and grow old together. Eventually one of you is going to die. One is going to be left alone in the world while the other passes, and sure maybe there is a Notebook ending and you both die together at the same time. That is always possible, sure.

That was not my point that I had wanted to make though, I had not wanted to end with, "well you're gonna die someday," but that is where the conversation ended. My point was that I did not understand people forgoing a relationship because they are afraid of a broken heart. That is what happens, you spend many wonderful moments together, and eventually it ends. Every relationship is going to end in pain. (I suppose that is the pessimist in me trying to be realistic) If pain is inevitable, why fear what might be? Give that love a chance and gain what happiness that you can from it. Fearing that pain leaves you where you are right now. Alone, looking for comfort, and afraid to reach out for it.

Then there are those people--much like myself--who have told themselves that they don't need anyone, and to be honest I don't. It is that fear of getting hurt that is manipulating that intense solitude; the fear is what lets me be comfortable on my own. "I have never needed anyone in the past, why should I need someone now. I have no desire to be dependent on someone." It does not make a person stronger being alone. It closes you off. It shuts you away from talking, feeling, holding, smelling and sharing your thoughts, emotions and ideas. You cripple yourself. There is always going to be pain that one will experience, it is unavoidable, but the constant pressure (if that is the right word) of solitude--while it does not inflict pain--bottles and stacks its weight upon your shoulders, and will not subside unless you permit someone to share the burden. And maybe, it's not even a burden. Maybe it's just thoughts and ideas that are held within your head. Just things that you aren't able to air in any way.

Do not fear what you cannot avoid, embrace what you can have in exchange for that pain, and hope that in the end that it outweighs it. As a cynic the line, "it's better to have love and lost, than to have never loved at all," would seem stupid, but imagine it without love. Completely and entirely alone, not a soul could withstand  that level of solitude. What would be the point without it?



A quote from my grandpa that was read at his funeral: "You never miss them any less, you only miss them less often."

Well that's just me

This is my new canvas for my room in Sonoma. Rather negative and pessimistic I know that much. I thought it fit me rather well. That's why I went to a junior college to begin with; I gave up on my dreams. I have given up on many things in my life--that included (or so I say, I'm still here after all). I am sarcastic and cannot even take myself seriously. In many ways I laugh at myself. "Look at all those posts Nathaniel: vague, dark, pathetic and boring. You have convinced yourself of so many things. You assume to know so much when you are no more than a twenty-one year old child."

"Yeah, but so are all the other people I know. At least I have the ability to see things that others can't. I pay attention to things. I learn from them, and in the end I am disgusted."

"What have you really learned? You have continually taught yourself to hate the world. You have convinced yourself that it has nothing to offer you."

"IT DOESN'T! Do you see any future for me!? I see nothing. I see resentment, and anger, and solitude. The world has nothing to offer me."

"And that, is exactly your problem. That is all you see. You have clouded your judgement from the rest, and have completely locked yourself away from the rest of the possibilities of the world. You see yourself as higher than many of the people around you don't you? You would never want to admit it, you find humility to be a completely admirable trait and wish to hold onto it dearly."

"In all honesty? I suppose I do see myself above others in many ways. Doesn't everyone? Don't most people see themselves above others, comparing themselves to others? That is the way the human race operates, we project our own images into the mind of others and attempt to judge who has more merit than the other."

"I don't know what everyone else does. I only know what you do. For I am you. The sad thing is, you are not above everyone else. You have been given the opportunity to live and you refuse to. You almost fear life. Perhaps fear is the wrong word. You loathe it, and because you have figured out how to loathe life and find it despicable, you are under the assumption that somehow everyone else must be stupid, and that you are elevated by your knowledge. You are not."

"You see the filth in this world as I do. You see the filth that even you, yourself have been a part of or acted in, and yet you challenge our thought that the world is not a dark disgusting place?"

"Think of your friends who hold closest to your heart. The friends you look up to for their strength, and peace of mind. The friends who's biggest concerns are with the ones that they care about and are rarely ever are concerned with themselves, and their own problems."

"What is your point? I know them and I look up to them. What of it?"

"Do you think they are better than they are? They do not see the world as you do in the slightest"

"Well, I don't know precisely. I look up to their strength and character, so how can I be or see myself as higher than them?"

"My point exactly. They have done what you have not. Not only have they accomplished our supposed purpose for continuing on living, but they enjoy life. They live. We only remain alive because neither of us have figured out how to get away with dying. And my last point is this, there is no way. Give up on dying, and figure out how to live."

"I don't want to."

"You are a twenty-one year old boy, you don't know what you want."

Running Out of Time

I have only five days left to submit my essay into the contest my professor asked me to enter. I still have so much work to do on it and I still have so much that I can do with it, but I don't know what to do with it. Did you get all that? I cannot leave it as it is, I have to add more reflection and dwell upon the understanding of the ethical topics that it covers, and by doing that I fear that I will ruin the integrity of the story drowning it in some oversimplified statement about bullying. It is a story that I feel could stand on its own, but I can't do that. Regardless I am extremely excited to have been acknowledged for my writing, and that a professor has taken an interest in it. It is the first positive feedback I have gotten that I feel is thoughtful and genuine rather than a friend reading something and going, "oh that's cool. I really liked it." (not that there is anything wrong with that) I just happen to like intense and thoughtful feedback and most of all honesty. If it sucked, tell me it sucked.

Any-who, I am grateful to have this opportunity, and everyone should listen to this song cause it's awesome and not on any of their albums. Kay. Thx. bai.

A Picture Post

My brother visited me in Sonoma during his Thanksgiving break and I just wanted to share the photos. I am in no way attempting to mimic or emulate my favorite photo blogger =D


And of course I uploaded the pictures wrong thinking that blogger would switch them around and now my story is backwards. It matters not. This is Alice, the pill the pest the queen, and my cat.

That is our new window in the kitchen my dad obviously wanted to make sure to get them in when he was using my camera while I slept the morning away.

 This is Jack, there really isn't much to say about Jack unles you've met him before.

 I gave him a quarter after clam chowder and he stared at it a little confused. I said, "dude I didn't hand you it cause it was a cool State quarter. Go play a video game you retard."

 So. Delicious.

 This is Isaac throwing ice plant at me because he wants to leave and get clam chowder (like I said the story is backwards)

 I do not know what this is. I saw it, and took a photo of it.

 Apparently Isaac can take better pictures than I can because I'm pretty sure his eyes are closed.

 That's a lot of kelp...

 I found the deer again Makenna, but we had about the same luck sneaking up on them as last time. Although, I got more than just their heads. so hah.

 Something about this rock... I took too many pictures of this rock.

 This is technically where the Bodega adventure started. We moved away from the cliff side and moved along the trails into this sorta mangrove hut sorta thing. It was cool, and dark but the camera doesn't let you see that. In fact I have no idea how to work this camera at all..

 Blurry ass picture, but it was the only one I took.

We took a midnight stroll along campus in the midst of a light drizzling rain. We sat in the dark of the Art building courtyard along the pond and talked, I told him there are a lot of pianos on campus here. In fact, I told him I knew where we could sneak into a room and play one if he wanted. As you can see from the video below he did want to. My brother has been playing the piano for about what 6 months now? (correct me if I'm wrong Isaac) He is entirely self taught. He has watched friends and learned songs from them as well as going on YouTube and looking up songs to play. This song is one of those songs he has been learning from YouTube. While this one has a few mistakes (we had been there for a good 20 minutes before I recorded) you can still hear what it should sound like. Just waiting for you to finish learning the song little brother. This blog is for you man. I love you.