Running Out of Time

I have only five days left to submit my essay into the contest my professor asked me to enter. I still have so much work to do on it and I still have so much that I can do with it, but I don't know what to do with it. Did you get all that? I cannot leave it as it is, I have to add more reflection and dwell upon the understanding of the ethical topics that it covers, and by doing that I fear that I will ruin the integrity of the story drowning it in some oversimplified statement about bullying. It is a story that I feel could stand on its own, but I can't do that. Regardless I am extremely excited to have been acknowledged for my writing, and that a professor has taken an interest in it. It is the first positive feedback I have gotten that I feel is thoughtful and genuine rather than a friend reading something and going, "oh that's cool. I really liked it." (not that there is anything wrong with that) I just happen to like intense and thoughtful feedback and most of all honesty. If it sucked, tell me it sucked.

Any-who, I am grateful to have this opportunity, and everyone should listen to this song cause it's awesome and not on any of their albums. Kay. Thx. bai.

A Picture Post

My brother visited me in Sonoma during his Thanksgiving break and I just wanted to share the photos. I am in no way attempting to mimic or emulate my favorite photo blogger =D


And of course I uploaded the pictures wrong thinking that blogger would switch them around and now my story is backwards. It matters not. This is Alice, the pill the pest the queen, and my cat.

That is our new window in the kitchen my dad obviously wanted to make sure to get them in when he was using my camera while I slept the morning away.

 This is Jack, there really isn't much to say about Jack unles you've met him before.

 I gave him a quarter after clam chowder and he stared at it a little confused. I said, "dude I didn't hand you it cause it was a cool State quarter. Go play a video game you retard."

 So. Delicious.

 This is Isaac throwing ice plant at me because he wants to leave and get clam chowder (like I said the story is backwards)

 I do not know what this is. I saw it, and took a photo of it.

 Apparently Isaac can take better pictures than I can because I'm pretty sure his eyes are closed.

 That's a lot of kelp...

 I found the deer again Makenna, but we had about the same luck sneaking up on them as last time. Although, I got more than just their heads. so hah.

 Something about this rock... I took too many pictures of this rock.

 This is technically where the Bodega adventure started. We moved away from the cliff side and moved along the trails into this sorta mangrove hut sorta thing. It was cool, and dark but the camera doesn't let you see that. In fact I have no idea how to work this camera at all..

 Blurry ass picture, but it was the only one I took.

We took a midnight stroll along campus in the midst of a light drizzling rain. We sat in the dark of the Art building courtyard along the pond and talked, I told him there are a lot of pianos on campus here. In fact, I told him I knew where we could sneak into a room and play one if he wanted. As you can see from the video below he did want to. My brother has been playing the piano for about what 6 months now? (correct me if I'm wrong Isaac) He is entirely self taught. He has watched friends and learned songs from them as well as going on YouTube and looking up songs to play. This song is one of those songs he has been learning from YouTube. While this one has a few mistakes (we had been there for a good 20 minutes before I recorded) you can still hear what it should sound like. Just waiting for you to finish learning the song little brother. This blog is for you man. I love you.

What to do what to do

I just realized I'm running out of time to spend my travel miles that I still have. I have 500 dollar credit on United Airlines, and I have to use it this Christmas break. I spoke with my mom (the plane ticket travel expert) and Hawaii is out of the picture. That makes me sad, so I am left with little options, where do I want to go? Well I have really only been to Disneyland once, so that is my second choice, but I won't be using all the 500 dollars worth of credit. Not to mention, Disneyland by myself? That's a little bit weird.. isn't it? I suppose it doesn't have to be. Plus roller coasters are awesome so what does it matter? I guess I will need to do more research to know for sure, but L.A and Disneyland are looking like my best bet at the moment.

Some Honesty

I was looking at my iPod the other day and plugged it into my computer to see my top 25 most played. I looked at my top played song: 1,995 plays--it's not even my favorite song. Almost two thousand plays on a song that is three minutes and thirty two seconds long. That's 7049 minutes or 117.5 hours, or approximately 5 days. I have spent 5 days of my life reliving a song that I have attached some memory to. I have spent 117.5 hours dwelling on the past. Concerned with a mistake, a former or current crush, rooted in my silly childish angst crazed antics. My music, that of which I love so dearly, has not set me free but kept me in the past or the unattainable present. Whether it be the brilliant blue in that girls' eyes or the majestic limitless blue of the sky as it is scattered with soft tufts of clouds; I have been punishing myself. I have created only envy and wanting. I guess my mistake is connecting my music to such things, but then my songs wouldn't have near as many listens were I not to. After all "You Won't Know" isn't really a good song. It just holds some pathetic level of sentimentality. It does not have the beauty of "Solea" in Miles Davis' Sketches of Spain, yet "Soleo" isn't even on my top 25. I need to hear a new perspective; I need the thoughts, voice and ideas from someone who can do more than see in the dark. I want  my perspective, ideas and thoughts to be challenged; I want to see more than the small fragment of light that I have.
"The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep
And miles to go before I sleep."

I'm not sure why

but I caught myself whistling this today

I feel. . .

this sort of numbness you know? This strange feeling that I'm here, but unaffected by the world around. The echo of music issues sensational chills, and the sound of rain comforts the soul. And soon I begin to realize, my soul is slowly shrinking. The dark veil that shrouds my perception and personality is blanketing everything in my life. I draw back from friends and family, meeting their required acquaintances to sustain their happiness and prevent worry. My own self-loathing is asphyxiating me from life and the rest of the world.

 I no longer make my friends laugh, I no longer make them smile. I have lost my cheerfulness, I have lost my humor. I have lost the touch of humanity that they valued in me, I have lost the part of me that could bring them out of darkness and could keep them in the clouds. I do not claim that it has gone away; no I have just misplaced it, and for the life of me--or the death--I cannot amass the ability or motivation to search for it.

"Does this count as talking to someone?" I ask myself. In ways I suppose it does, but does it fix anything? No it most certainly does not. How do I fix myself then I ask, and yet I have never ended that line with a question mark. Funny that I state a question, but perhaps it is because I do not want an answer.