You were right

So Alex was right. These guys are great.

But the XX album comes out at midnight tonight. <-- stoked for that.

It's the fear in their eyes that frightens me

It comes up in conversation again and again with the few friends that I have told it to. And every time it comes up, they get upset with me. And every time I see the sadness and sorrow they hold for me I regret telling them. I think to myself that it should have been kept safe with me. The problem is I know that I would not have made it this long without my friends and family knowing this one thing.

What most of them do not understand is that my desire to not exist is not some passing fantasy as I fall in and out of some roller coaster of depression. No, it does not work like that, it is not some silly impression that I have one day, or one week, or one month, the desire is always present. No matter the circumstances it is there, even when I'm having the time of my life with my friends or family, people I care about and people I want to make happy, if I could take the selfish path I would. I would stop whatever I'm doing whether it's the inside joke between DJ and myself, or the heated debate I'm having with Alex, or the deep talks that shape "my little worlds"(only Kristin will get that reference) that I have with Kristin, or even reading my little brother's writing, if death were to greet me I would not run, I would not fight. I would turn, smile, and take his hand, but it is not as simple as that, were I to leave I would leave behind pain for all the people that I care about. I could not walk away and expect that I would be forgotten and all would be well as though I never existed. They would grieve and if I were to die I would not have it so; therefore I cannot do as I please. If I were to walk away from any of those situations to fulfill what I desire most then I have not lived to my purpose.

My purpose to serve those that I care about. They love and appreciate life, they look forward to the future, they want to shape the world and let it shape them. This is something I do not entirely feel or understand. I want to be there and make sure the world does not hurt them, I am still here to make sure if it does hurt them that I can help. My purpose also, as Kristin has said and many others: is to find something in the world that I love, something in the world that I could carry on in happiness. At this point in time I have not found it, writing is an escape, but so is reading and watching TV and partying with friends and even just spending time with them. The problem remains, the desire is still there, even in those moments of happiness and bliss. This actually draws a comedic parallel to the movie "Inception" where the wife thinks the only way to wake up from her dream is to kill herself, only the problem is she thinks she is still dreaming in reality. My mind--at least at this moment in time--is programmed to believe that the only way to truly be at peace is to be nothing. Though I suppose most people would not find that comedic in any way.

Here is a journal excerpt on my thought process:

A beautiful summer day. Low 90's and just fine in the shade. Class starts in half an hour, I do not particularly wish to attend. I am in a rather somber mood, I want to sleep, to slip away. It's in these moments and thoughts that I really wish to not exist. It is not the intense depression that makes me miserable and want to die. It is the lack of wanting. I want nothing. I could not say it more precisely. I want nothing. It does not mean I do not desire anything, it literally means I desire that which is nothing. To be nothing. To have nothing, to know nothing. To be nothing. I say this and I wonder to myself how common this desire is. For it is in no way similar to everything I have read on depression and suicide. It is not some sad, angry pathetic muddled reason for my life being miserable. [That would be a lie]. How can I be ungrateful for what I have? I have no reason to say my life is terrible, or awful or difficult. Overall it is not [I have close to everything I need or want]. I just do not generally enjoy it as others do. I do not cling to it with desperation as others do.

It is that notion of how others perceive life as some incredible adventure that they cannot give up on, no matter how difficult it gets. To which my mind has always said, "Why not?" There are so many people who live in terrible conditions and misery. They barely survive due to starvation and disease and lack of hygiene. These people live in conditions of which every person--I can almost certainly use an absolute in this situation--that reads this blog will never or has never known. These people continue to push on, and there are so many other people who have survived traumatic incidents, physical or mental, and people that come from broken lives who will never be the same. Somehow, almost all of these people continue to live on, they fight for their lives. They do whatever they can in order to survive, but then my question is this: is that all they are doing? Succumbing to the instinct to survive, or do they in fact actually love and appreciate the lives that they have? Maybe they all do, maybe they all want to see the next day because each day has hopes and dreams and each day is wonderful new and beautiful, but I do not operate this way. Perhaps I am broken, perhaps I have a chemical imbalance in my brain, or perhaps I'm not the fittest that needs to survive and I'm designed to perish.

Perhaps, but for now I'm here, and I'll put on my smile and pretend. I will make them laugh, and I will do whatever I can to make their lives better, and sometimes I'll be selfish and fail. Sometimes I will need to see the ocean and forget the world altogether. Sometimes I will need to find nature, and take pictures of it, and absorb it, and bask in it. Sometimes I will need to go on long walks with my music in the night. Sometimes I will need to sit out in the rain and embrace the cold. Sometimes I will need to sleep all day and come as close to not existing as I can. But most of the time, I will listen, I will heed their every word, I will make sure they know that I care, that I am always there and I always will be. I want them to know that every person that enters into my heart keeps me tied to this world, I want them to know that their happiness is far above the small moment of increase in mine. I want them to know that I love them. They know who they are, because I tell them every time I talk to them, and then there are a few who have slipped in, a few who I have not told. In time I imagine I will, for all my friends and family are precious.

I'm Tired of Blue 9/9/2012

I want to set fire to the ocean

set a glow to the brilliant blue

The waves will crash and snuff it out

and their resilience proved

I want to fall from the highest mountain

tumble and circle down to earth

to get caught in clouds as I continue down

to witness the beauty for which I search

I want to pull the top right off

as the volcano scorches the earth

to witness the intense destruction

and marvel as it burns

I want to dispatch an avalanche

to ride it as it falls

to crash and roll and rip the trees

to destroy an animal's home

I want to watch the snow melt

then ride it down to sea

and when I meet the ocean

set fire then to me.

Just Fragments

Labor Day Weekend: A couple images captured through my phone.

The first two are both images of Bodega Bay, which is one of the most amazing places I have ever come to see. You can get lost on the beach listening and watching the waves. I suppose that could happen with any beach on any ocean, but something about Bodega Bay has captured me.

Just the sunset from the university.

I have been looking at these books sit on my shelf for awhile now. I have yet to reread them, and I have been wanting to for some time now. They are phenomenal, or at least from what I remember they are. I have technically read The Golden Compass three times, but I have only read the sequels once. They are probably one of the most influential trilogies I can remember reading as a child. Harry Potter and Star Wars books of course had their lasting impression on the boy/man I am now, but these made me think. These books made me question the world. These books weren't just simple entertainment with heroes and villains to me. It wasn't a battle of good vs evil in this trilogy, I can't quite remember what it was exactly, but it made me think. It taught me to gather insight on things in the world and action from people that I had not at the time been aware of. It taught me to observe the world and learn from it, and also to observe myself. Maybe they won't retain the same significance as they once had, and then again maybe they will have that and more.

For some strange reason

I cannot get over this song. It hasn't stood out to anyone else I've shown it to, but somehow, to me it is phenomenal. It gives me chills when I close my eyes. A simple song like this carries me off into a trance where the self melts away.

Holy Shit

I am completely full of bubbling rage, and yet all day today I've been mellow, calm, polite and pleasant. All day, dealing with my parking ticket (which was not legitimate and I was able to get removed) and when going to the grocery store and when dealing with all other sorts of people. I might be frustrated because I have nothing to write. My mind is as blank and as bland as I portray myself in public. I am so bored, I feel like there is no one to talk to. I wrote about a good conversation the other day and find myself longing for another. My friend primarily concerns himself with video games and things on the internet that make him laugh--which is hardly a bad thing--yet today at least, I cannot find joy in any of that.

I need to get away, I need to hide. I need to run off into the night sit in the shadows and hide. I need music to rattle my soul, and cold night air and the brilliant night sky to open my mind.

Maybe I'm just a sad sorry lonely boy, maybe I need lead out of the darkness, but for now shadows are all I know, shadows are all I see, and they keep me safe. One day perhaps, I will find the light, though I do not imagine I will do it alone if light does exist for me. As much as I like to think I can see, the night keeps me blind from many things. Many things everyone else can see and make claims that the same should be for me. I want to see, I want to see, but truth be told I'm as blind as can be. So help me see, oh help me please. The world grows darker, and I seek to ease, with a selfish act I'm quite fond of so please, I cannot be the selfish king I have people to serve, or at least I think. For when I'm forgotten I can finally leave, as the shadows engulf me, I can be at ease, until finally no thing.

A Good Conversation

I must, I must. If I do not continue to reach out to people I will surely slip away, and I'm already more than halfway there. I want to let go so badly. I want to drift off into the sea and sink, and sink, and sink. Until nothing but cold darkness surrounds me entirely. Then maybe this feeling will go away. This feeling that I haven't been able to shake for 8 years. As every day passes it gets harder and harder, and I cannot fathom why. The only thing that I can do is distract myself, with friends, family, girls and whatever else that might bring me pleasure.

Pleasure that is my problem and my passing desire. For my shallow self it is the greatest thing to help keep me peaceful. Yet I also enjoy good conversations, and I had one just a couple days ago. It started well, about God, which is something that has always interested and confused me. I enjoyed listening to the different perspectives of everyone and I wanted to hear more, I wanted to see what else they had to share, what information they might have that I do not. Perhaps information that would help me in some way. Insight towards the world that I had not considered, and I listened, hearing things I had not heard, and wanting the conversation to continue, but then it was my turn to talk.

I spoke but I was too afraid to watch. I stared at the floor as I began to explain myself. I knew what they felt as I shared my view the world, my understanding of life and my greatest desire. I knew what they were thinking, I knew what their faces looked like. Two of the people who know me better than most, two people that I hold very dear to me, sat and listened, growing depressed and solemn as I explained what I wanted more than anything else in the world. Yet, they do not understand or they would feel so bad. I knew what they thought and felt without having to look, and yet even as I explained myself they do not fully understand me. How can they, when life is such a precious thing to them. I do not understand the drive or desire towards such a goal, but I know it is something that I have lived with for a long time and has not faltered.

But there was another reason I did not look, another reason I was afraid. There was a person there that had not heard the story before, someone that barely knows me, someone that now knows the darkest part of me. It is not an impression I wanted to leave with anyone. My story sounds like one of self pity or a cry for help, and that is not the case. I do not want either. What I did want was to see her face as I said my thoughts, but I was too scared to look. I wanted to know if she might have some information that I don't have--maybe she knew why I'm this way. I could not guess what she was thinking, I could not guess what she was feeling, and I could not guess the expression on her face. I imagine it was one of confusion, when someone is introduced to an idea that is completely ridiculous and sort of stuns them, but again I did not have the guts to look, nor did I have the guts to ask her. Maybe she knows why I'm broken, and maybe no one does.

People to have good conversations with are hard to come by, and I do not imagine another one is in my near future. This is also the reason I primarily listen, when I speak my mind I often end up derailing the entire conversation. It is best just to keep to myself, I can only trust my thoughts with myself. (I write this line as I post on a public blog) Of course that's one of the reasons I started this, to see if perhaps someone has an answer for me that I do not have.

Purpose 1/9/11

I stand still upon

A path not tread

I look forward

Not a body to follow

All alone the others

They stumble

Out of choice

or mere confusion

Break down to ground

Found now solution

Barefoot onto reeds

So sharp they stick

Beginning bleed

Endure yet will not lead

Placed upon my back to let

Him see.

A post from my little brother

My little brother a boy and a young man quickly rising above me in every way possible. His writing has more clairvoyance and natural appeal than I already posses, and his ideas are projected in an equal manner. I soon will not longer be able to protect and look after him. Very soon I will be the one standing and admiring his limitless ability.
A WillPeople seem to like this one. It is one of my oldest ones.


I've never had a will before
I don't know what it's like
a will to run
a will to hide
a will to stay and fight
it seems I have no motivation
just to stay alive
to laugh
to love
to live and thrive
I just don't think I have the right
but there you stare all lovingly
back into my eyes
you make me laugh
you make me love
you make me live and thrive
you keep me from my childish thoughts
you leave me in a bind
to laugh
to love
to live and thrive
just doesn't feel right
but here you are right by my side
I wish you could be mine
a will to run
a will to hide
a will to stay and fight
these things seem so childish
as I pass them by
I have a will
a will
a will
just know you will be mine.