I find myself in a place I cannot find

              Ambition: A valuable trait that I have lacked since the beginning of my existence. Though I'm not sure why. Perhaps it is my desire to meet with Nothing. Save the fact that my desire of nonexistence has only come to my understanding in the past couple of years. I find my lack of Ambition is primarily due to the fact that I do not see the point. Not in Ambition itself, rather I do not see the point in life. Why? For me, it is a question that has yet to be answered. At least no suitable answer has been given at this point in time. Though I am not so bold and pessimistic to say that there is no point or that there is no answer to my question. For I would not be alive if that were the case--as there are other things tying me to this world. It is quite likely that I simply lack the years, capacity, insight, or wisdom to come to an understanding of why. I find it strange that people have this fantasy that they want life to last forever. They want to be young. For me the only pleasant mention of youth would be when I had no recollection or understanding of time or the world. A time when I was able to perceive no more than what was directly in front of me. Still there are adults that manage to live in that position. To see adults of that manner is to some extent revolting. Though perhaps they know the answer Why. It is possible that simplicity is pleasant, but how can one simply degrade to that state? Not that I have any desire to, but is it possible? Is that what drugs do? Does the world go away to be replaced with brilliance? Does the foulness of humanity not linger in the air as it does now? I do not think it does. I think that it merely distracts them from the things they can see. Doing no more than contorting their perceptions of the world, in life and death. They appear to use it as no more than a different form of escape, and as such it would suggest that they fear death as well. Why is it that people are so afraid of death? Is it the uncertainty? Not to boast for lack of fear, but for some reason it does not frighten me in the same way. Leaving the people I love and care about, the people I live in order to support and protect, that scares me. For I know I influence some of them more than others in strong and positive ways, and to leave them in a selfish way is not my purpose. Yet it is so inviting, Thanatopsis I say. To me I have always imagined and dreamed that there is nothing after. Once you go, you find nothing. No longer aware no longer in existence. Completely free. It sounds surreal to me. Peaceful. Tranquil. It would be the calmest quietest darkest place not in existence.