A friend told me to write about being back home after my first year away at college. I am not entirely sure if he was aware of the amount of time I have thought about this exact thing. Nor do I suspect, that he has any idea what my thoughts and feelings may be.
Before I shift into the darkness I will dwell on the light. I love my family, my brother, my mother, my father. I enjoy spending time with them, getting to listen about their days. I love talking with my grandmother and making her laugh; listening to her talk adoringly of her cat, and crying the next moment for whatever reason. I have the patience to listen to her repeat herself again, and again. And for the time being she still remembers our names, but that time is short.
The disease is taking her quickly, and I watch my mom struggle with it. I watch her stress and worry, and internalize her fear that Alzheimer's will eventually take her mind as well. I embrace her and let her know that it will not happen (for it very likely won't) her mind is sharp and her memory is close to flawless. She is frightened regardless of my observations, so I try to change the subject and make her laugh.
I'm good at that you know, I produce a sarcastic remark and mention some news I had not shared, then turn it toward something she cares about. I get her talking about school, and teaching, and Spanish. I focus her on her passion and she forget--if only for a moment.
The problem is, I never forget these things. While my memory has always been terrible, I have never had trouble recollecting the bad. The terrible and awful things that have happened; to myself, and to the rest of the world. I want to be apathetic to it all and walk away, but I cannot. I am tired, I am exhausted, of everything and everyone--myself included, sometimes myself the most. It is not a hatred or loathing that I have, as some of my friends and family claim that I possess. No, I don't hate anything really, do things disgust me? Do I find a great deal of things pathetic and stupid? Yes, god yes. I think human beings are broken, broken beyond repair. With everyday I become more and more aware of how broken each person is. How pathetically, and childishly fucked up they are. How the most insignificant and silly things can put someone in a foul mood. Everyone is guilty of it, myself included no matter how arrogant I appear in writing this.
Human beings are so scared of everything. I suppose that is something I hate, the amount of irrational fear people possess. The fact that I lack the capacity to walk up to a girl I don't know and have a conversation with her in an attempt to get her number. Or that so many girls and guys are so afraid of relationships that they will do anything to sabotage a potential one. I don't want to play this game anymore, I want to have fun, I want be there for the people that mean something to me, but more than anything I want to not be needed. I want to slip away in the night and never come back. I want all bonds of love and friendship to be severed without pain, without memory, so that I may go in peace. I will never be happy, I can only have fun, and push these terrible thoughts to the back of my mind.
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