I am a bad person: I accept this

I say this with an acceptance and with the desire to aspire to something more. By a bad person I am referring to myself and how I have currently lead my life with my purpose. I often lose touch with my purpose. I forget who I am and what I am supposed to do and I become selfish. I indulge in my needs more than the needs of those I live for. To fully understand what it is I am trying to say one must first understand what it is I recognize as my purpose.

My purpose is to live for those I love and care about. My family, my friends, my purpose is to make them happy in whatever way that I can. I have often failed at that, sidetracked with the foolish thought towards attaining my own happiness. That is not to say that one should not consider making themselves happy. No I do not believe that at all, but I recognize that I cannot be happy as much as I would like to be. I do not see the point to life, yet everyone else seems to. As long as they do, I will be there to make it the best life that I can. When my death finally comes, then I will be happy, then I will be at peace, until then I stay tied to this world.

In the past and even the present I have often failed to understand my purpose or remember it in time. I move on my own selfish accord rather than putting in the consideration of those around me. Consequences to everyone else are what should be accounted for, not just the consequences for myself. I get lost in the world on a different path, one with little hope of coming true, yet I often pursue self happiness, or indulge my mind with the idea of it instead of staying on course. Again not that one should not seek it, only that I know where the path leads, there are no forks in the path leading to different routes to happiness, there is one. I cannot be that selfish. Nor do I have the desire to. Thinking about that level of pain that would be inflicted upon those close to me is unbearable. Yet I fall as the victim and the criminal to base pleasures. I allow them to cloud my judgement. To make rash decisions, rather than pausing to calculate as I would prefer to do. I am weak in that sense. I lack self control, and for this massive flaw I despise myself. I am a pathetic human just as the rest of the humans I look down upon. I despise the imperfections, or rather the lack of desire to strive towards it. Perhaps perfections is unattainable, but I walk out into the woods and know that it is quite possible. The earth can be quite perfect. Just not as long and humans walk upon it. I have hurt many people with never the intention to do so, and I know and fear for the inevitable future where I will do it again. I have every desire and every intention to change, to become a man I can respect, the man I want to be. As of now that selfless man can only be found in novels, designed with the good merits of an author.